Until Now…

For over fifty years I have kept secrets locked inside of me.  From the age of four I was warned that “if I told” then no one would love me, ever.  What a sad state of affairs for anyone who has grown up in this state of mind.

Until now…

I am well past the half way point in my life and I am tired.  Tired of pretending that everything is okay.  Tired of making the best of it.  Tired of loving people in my life just because “I’m supposed to”.  Tired of being afraid.

Until now…

Every single day I deal with triggers that warn me to shut down, flee, hide, fight and a myriad of other emotions.  Over the years I have learned techniques to cope with these triggers, but I am still impacted every… single… day…

Until now…

I have found a voice through writing.  It makes me vulnerable.  It makes me feel.  It makes me face the truths that I have buried for over five decades.

Until now…

I didn’t believe I had anything to offer anyone.  I didn’t believe I could make a difference.  I was wrong.

Until now

His Dance

203

 

Her red shoes

make a scuffing sound

across the wood floor

 

His grip is tight with

sweaty palms and the

stench of whiskey on his breath

 

The music low and

slow as he presses his

forty something year old body

 

Against her ten-year-old

breasts with an intensity

that begs her to scream and push him

 

Away, but her

mother watches closely

making sure she finishes each dance

 

Mama slips damp

bills into her bra and laughs

into the neck of the next patron

 

Lining up for

his dance

She

 

She flinches

at kindness

and embraces

the cold-hearted

 

Sincerity makes her cry,

aggression makes her cower.

 

She doesn’t look at you,

she looks into you.

Wary of your purpose

in her attempt to survive.

 

Holding her breath,

always aware of a way to escape.

Unable to relax completely

until you move on.

 

She is trapped between the two.

 

The very things she fears the most

are what she needs to breathe.

Words

 

…you defined me with your words

UNWORTHY

STUPID

UGLY

NOT TALL ENOUGH

NOT BLOND ENOUGH

NOT BEAUTIFUL ENOUGH

IT’S YOUR FAULT

I DIDN’T WANT YOU

WHAT HORRIBLE HAIR

YOU’RE AN EMBARRASSMENT

YOUR NAILS ARE SO SHORT

YOUR LAUGH IS TOO LOUD

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF

 

“train up a child in the way he should go,

and when he is old he will not depart from it”

I hope you die a horrible death…

Comfort

6

 

She finds comfort among the dead.

 

Stories untold surround her.

She whispers her secrets,

knowing they will remain so.

 

Lips moving silently, she mouths

the names, imagining their faces.

 

Peace fills her as she lays

across the tombs of the unknown.

Cover me with your presence, she sighs.

 

Sometimes she sleeps, for in this place

her unconscious thoughts are protected

from the torment that waits.

 

These moments stay locked inside her,

for most of the living would never understand.

They provide no comfort.

 

Here she will walk, with fresh flowers and peace,

among those who she resolves will not be forgotten.